Two Weeks Notice- Babe Its been Real

It is a sad fact almost freakish fact how closely my life is starting to resemble the liberal overweight writer with a healthy libido on Girls.
I halted my occupation to pursue my dreams of becoming a Celebrity Nutritionist for the C.I.A who marries well and has a yacht in St. Tropez. Why? Because as the late hologrammed Tupac once said,

So here is what happened.

My boss called me in and mentioned my lack of respect for fashion and hygene. I did not realize that blue prada eyeliner ripped up lanvin shoes and refusing to shower are not office appropriate. That behavior flew really well in rehab, and I learned that from my dear friend/roomie LiLo.

And Ipso facto, I offered peace in the only way I knew how so
 with a bottle of Veuve Clicquot, a pack of cuban cigars, and the best handjob I could muster. I bid my adieu with a version of the sound of Music So Long Farewell dance routine included.

We will end on positive terms. Mostly because I do a British Accent on the phone, and we both share the agreement that if it doesnt involve xanax with a jack and coke mixed in with narcotics and guns, I am a simply unfit employee, and unlike Hannah thats some baggage that I can deal with.

Stay Medicated.

I got a jury duty notice for the Supreme Court

 So I guess even the District Attorney thinks I am supreme.

Jury Duty is like the 6 Train, or LAX. Whether you are Rich, poor, Liberal, Cellulite, a Reagan worshipper, or bulimic, everyone passes through-
 and for a moment are all confined in the same zone for a painful yet amusing break from the grind of society.

I dont believe in Society and play by my own rules so I would rather go to Karate. My lawyer/hypnotist says I have to go unless I want to spend the weekend at Rikers, and I haven't done that since the marijuana tablet mix up in middle school.

Communistic? Experimental? Manic? If it was good enough for John Hand-on-Cock
 its good enough for me, so with that Logic that also means Id be down to get fingered by my slave who resembles T. Pain.

Jury Duty also sounds like something that happens in the bathroom.


I will be morbidly depressed if it is not a child molestor or Casey Anthony type case. Im destined to be a jury of her peers.
I cant wait to be amongst the velcro, the common man, and the stressed out mid tier analysts.
See you June 25th replete with rhinestones and Fendi.

Justice will be served. Maybe. Ill vote for Elle.

Teterboro Xanax and Standard Poodles, Its Finally Summer Bitches

Teterboro, the center for private jets, thats Allows for TRIPLE D TRAVEL, dogs, drugs, and Douchebags.
The 6 to 7 o clock flights are those who, like yours truly ,attempt to be hardcore CEO executive associates, when in fact in reality had to beg their superiors out early in order to make their flight. The essence of Hashtag-one-percent-entry-level-problems.

Everyone knows if you are the real deal, you leave for the weekends Thursday afternoon, Friday Morning at the latest

As I made myself a complimentary cocktail of pretzels, gin and diet sprite and 3 klonopin because "Im scared of flying"
 I picked up a copy of Affluent Magazine and realized mid paragraph of the newest elitest chicest ritziest spa that I could not think of any  bachelor to have a couples massage with me.

I turned to the skinny blonde finance bitch sitting next to be BBMing furiously on her blackberry trying to look important.
She had designer jeans and stewart weitzman high sandals and limited makeup. She was very minimalist means naturally cute meets not from Manhattan.

 She was cursing at her boyfriend saying if you dont fucking pick me up on time I will literally be so mad.

I had a deep pure affection for her already as I love a good financier anorexic take no bullshit un ivy league educated plane buddy.
When I told her I was in my twenties, she said You ARE SO YOUNG. Most of my friends are married or getting married. The rest are social outcasts.

Social Outcasts.

This deeply concerned me, because while I had my dogs, drugs, and an airport full of pretentious wannabe hard core douchebags who I wanted to hang out with, I was deeply alone and have to face the sad fact that I may have to book the golden caviar massage where you get fingered with diamonds for one. 

Its not a real family argument until the Manager Gets Involved

 I cannot tell you how many family arguments Ive had to get Sergio from the 4 Seasons or Carmeeny from Il Riccio or Kristin from Palm Too involved in. 

I love a histrionic outburst, mostly because I need to be heard. I would never want to be a boring patron. 

I crave to be seen as a messy disturbed troubled wealthy individual with nice shoes by the wine sommelier. Why? There is something so morbidly glamorous about being seen as a potential straight jacket patient in loubitons and poorly done eyeliner by a bartender I have frequent contact with.

 I need to make a scene in public and get everyone including the waitstaff involved.
Why? Maybe its a deep inherent cry for attention that I do not receive, or my raw flair for the dramatics rifled with the constant need to put on a performance.

All of these are true, my philosophy though, is if Im upset. I want everyone to know. I would never have a private fight in the confines of my own home.


I am obsessed with my family. And why shouldnt I be? They are hot, rich and republican and have interesting extracurricular pursuits from German Opera to Astrology, to Male Models, to Top Notch Reservations to Wealthy Indians to skinny cigarettes.

But like most wealthy trust fund cosmopolitan families who pretend are bilingual and see the number of frequent flyer miles as a sign of ultimate success and joy, do get in arguments.  As I am the first to admit, I am not the easiest person to break bread with, and I dont even like bread that much because it soaks up the alcohol rendering me incapable of getting drunk fast enough.

And nothing is more fun in my family then showing each other how much we dont do carbs,

And I Just dont fight. I scream and yell and foam at the mouth and order lots of Vodka because of my non existent Russian Blood.

Im wondering though, as just a thought, If I calmly suggested my thoughts during an argument without the histrionics and foam, if I would be heard better?

I am always wrong when arguing simply because I live in a deluded 4 sphere plasma floating universe where my logical follow through only makes sense to me.

I just hope my family knows, that no matter what Im always down to shoot people who hurt them.
And for that, I am sorry I make a scene that is reminiscent of those angry 12 pre pubescent orphans who sing about the hard knock life,
and Ill work on taking a chill pill. You know what I mean.

To the Dumb Sluts who talked gossiped about me this weekend

Only reaffirms my natural innate inclination that I am indeed Famous and IPso Facto, Im not that mad. It was Monica Lewinsky's publicist who said its better be talked about than not at all, and it was Lupe Fiasco who said the Haters are my motivators.

So with that in Mind, I will get off to the fact that some random bulimic trust fund P.R cunts think Im off the wall, and you know what? Maybe I am, and I am cool with that.



Im not that mad,because you are all rich and skinny and have parents with respectable careers and interesting boyfriends who will eventually help me later in life,

but do not for one second think, that I did not hear every word and know exactly what was said.

Like Danny Ocean in Oceans 11. Someone is always watching, someone is always listening. Just remember, if I see you out in the club, Ill smile nicely and buy you a shot, but most definitely put cocaine into your purse when going on B.A
and Like Brittany's Murphy's character in Girl Interrupted know that you wouldnt be horrified if your dad fucked you.

So ladies, if it makes you feel better to be nawsty. Thats chill, but the way I was raised, those who spread the most love and invest the most diamonds and keep it real with everyone come out on top of the vera wang wedding cake.

So for my REAL inner circle, the ones who I called at 4 am this weekend after screaming at the Beverly Hills Hotel, because whats a family argument if the waitstaff isnt involved, to calm me down and support me, are the authentic creme da la creme.

I encourage the Creme de la Creme to relish in your mania, your anorexia, your wealthiness for no reason, your job that you make 250K in as an entry level employee, or whatever else makes the dumb sluts gossip because you are living a life worth talking about, and to me, thats the essence of glitter.

And because Im so classy it hurts.
See you at The St. Regis

14 things to do before you are 20 and never ever After

The twenties like the decade should be roaring and are ipso facto essentially come down to gin, flappers, jazz, Absinthe, cigars, and West Egg.

Since most of my nearest and dearest were born 1995 and post, I decided to pass on a little advice to those who are on the brink of manic diamond encrusted trust fund dependent pretend adulthood.

And those who are past 20, can pick up a pick up a tip or thrice, in attempt to salvage what is left of an otherwise worthless yet champagne pill popping wall street investing eyebrow slash shop lifting existence.

1. Sleep with or have dry sex with a famous person and Tell EVERYONE.

After 20, one who brags about blowing A-listers look like a pathetic excuse for a has been mid tier fraternity Ari Gold wannabe

2. Become Amazing at an extremely arbitrary hobby, such as piano playing, karate, HTML coding,  oral sex giver, mali connoisseur, black jack player, swahili speaker, to set you apart from the scene, and

After 20, one who picks up an arbritary hobby is not looked at as amusing or cunning, but on the brink of a serious psychotic breakdown of a borderline personality disorder who's antidepressants failed to meet expectations.

3. Tell your parents to fuck off and really mean it

After 20 they wont give you any more money if you do that


4.  Pose Nude and spend as much time as you can naked and think of it  as a phenom starting point
After 20, you will keep getting better, with plastic surgery, better diet pills, and more time to hate everyone which does wonders for the complexion

5. Never ever work, this can be applied going post 20

6. Audition for movies, television, strippers, porn, modeling gigs, play boy mansion projects, commercials

7. Drink a lot of alcohol and smoke a lot of crack cocaine to properly build your tolerance for all of the social and business drinking and drug engagements required to build a successful relationship and career. Nothing says Im an immature unpurely bred deliquent than the inability to hold liquor and bumps

8. Go to Asia for a non business purpose.

9. Write rap music

10. Date people purely for sex reasons and not for the potential marriage material

11. Go to 6 Flags

12. Respond to a plethora of craigslist ads and make some yourself

13. Have a Disney Prince or Princess at your Birthday

14. Stay in a Hotel with no bathrobes or room service

Shit Rich kids Think

Thank God most of my friends will be senators

My old money status is chic again thanks to the New Great Gatsby Trailer

I wonder when its appropriate when my parents die to rap to Young Money Millionaire

I cannot do one more dinner with someone who does not appreciate red wine

My parents box seats at the Metropolitan Opera make me the most fucking cultured person I know

If I saw my phone bill I would cut it up into an artistic collage and stick on an easel as an oil painting and call it "The failed attempts of the Neoclassical Real World"


My facebook photos of my nonchalant holiday in St. Tropez significantly make me feel better about myself.

Its only a matter of time before the media gets a hold of how talented I am

There has been no one who has suffered more than me.

The fact that drunken hook ups have replaced meaningful relationships is the true demise of this generation

It is 100% adderal I would be in Community College and never go to Law School

My horse is like my brother.